Sunday, August 19, 2007

...

It's just damn hot these days.
We had a leaving guidance session at Shinyurigaoka this morning.
I've just turned off a job offer at FX. Cuz I just can't picture myself working here, I can't see myself in the next 5 to 10 years. Can't seewhere the whole thing is going.
I should never take the easy way. I've made many wrong choices taking the easy way.
I've at least gave myself a shot, though it's gonna be hard, though I may failed to find a good job, ten years later, I can declare that I've shown guts at the cross road by not taking the easy way. I wouldn't regret of the choices that I made.

...

I can't even figure out what's the date today. I only slept for 6 hours for the past two days.
Right after passing my birthday or we'd rather say birth time, everything started to fall apart. First is the diagnoise of cancer, then comes the rejection letter, and this morning when I get myself prepared for the guidence session, I couldn't find my seal which is supposed to be used during the guidence session. Is it the so called "BenMingNian" in Chinese. I wish that I can get pass through this year with everything on track. I couldn't sleep after 1 in the morning, maybe caused by the anxiety that has been with me after the 3rd round of interview. Several hours later I hopped on an early train and get to the training center, early. It was really early, or too early to find an open cafe to have a quick coffein fix. Even the Big Mc is not open! Finally settle myself with another Mc down the corner. And then comes the fact that I can't get in to the office... It was really kinda early.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Birth, Death. Life goes around

11:40, I was born 24 years ago.
24 years later, exactly the same time, I was freezing in hell.
Pancreas Cancer, Stage IV.

Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown eventually break down;
Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind

Now the new is you, but someday not far away from now, you will become out of time and gradually cleared out.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Hey There Delilah

Over heard this cute song on MTV.
It's kinda sad, just like NYC, no big smile. I love it!

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Maybe the past is just like an anchor that gets us back. You have to get rid of who you were to become who you will be.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Please Input Your Title Here.

Feeling so fucked up these days. Really feeling that i'm getting cranky.
I haven't removed my wisdom tooth this evening! Actually it has been there for a damn long time, judging from the dirt attached on it. The major pain was not caused by the growing of the wisdom tooth, although the dentist insisted on saying that. I'm just wondering since it has been there for around 5 years w/o hurting me, then why the hell it suddenly jumped out of the hood and started the strike? Authorities wouldn't feel good when being challenged. The pain gotta be caused by those sleepless nights and the mental tension for the past week. Anyway I'm still gonna maintain low level of activities during the weekend. So I've cancelled the BBQ on Sunday, which is supposed to have me under the sun and the 35C hot temperature for around 4 hours in addition to a 4-hour-long ride on the train. It seems to be too heavy for someone who can not even enjoy a bite of the food after arrival. So just got myself out of it. Besides, I also got myself out of a drinking party with some Japanese colleagues. I'm just not interested in it at all! I believe there is no need to sugercoat my feeling on this kinda stuff. I can never really make friends with the Japanese, and then what can I get out of this so called drinking party? Getting drunk but not getting laid, and what's worse is that I still need to ride on the train. It sucks. That one reason keeping me from thinking about the possiblities of staying and working here. I just can't stand that I need to sugar-coat my feelings all the time. Again it sucks! And I just can't picture myself being one of those "Salarymen", wearing biz suits in damn hot and humid summer days, trying to release the pressure by getting drunk after work. And the 28C air con setting in office during summer days is something else that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I can't even focus on my work during the afternoons with 3 PCs surrounding me roaring out hot air 24/7. It all SUCKS!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Wisdom Tooth or the Tooth of Wisdom?

Wisdom Tooth, that's what's growing inside of me. That little buddy down the end of the line of my lower teeth kept me wide awake for the whole night last night. He's growing, I can feel the tiny beat there, where my heart is pumping blood and carrying all the nutrients down to there.

Wisdom tooth, are people too dump so they need a wisdom tooth to help them get smart? or are we just so smart so that God need to label us with the teeth of wisdom.

I had my bulb broken again in my living room, so all that I can do during the night is just coding and writing blog post on my laptop.

I was so laid this morning that I was on the edge of canceling the roller coaster right with Vanessa, I even scratched the email, and something inside me just pulled me back from clicking that send button. I just don't wanna waste the whole day and some other day in the future together with the image that I've been keeping onto since the very beginning. Be a man, down that, hit it hard. I'm not regretting deleting the email and going down there. I showed Guts! Despite of a inflamed throat and a growing Wisdom Tooth. Maybe that really gave me wisdom when cracking the roller coaster down. Anyway on the other hand, I just don't even give a fuck. Maybe all about this is bull shit in the end. After all this, set your heart free, write some code that you really want, and stick to it.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Growing Pain

Having something growing inside your body is not a pleasent expeirence as it sounds. The feeling of accomplishment,... all bull shit. It fucking hurts. And with all the fever, the flung, the difficulty to chow, and even the difficulty to swallow, I've just got 100% fucked up. Slept in bed for more than 12 hours for the past two days, I finally got up.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

My Concentration Problem

My Concentration Problem
I found that I'm having a serious concentration problem when working at home. Especially when I'm alone in the house, or staying at home with my wife. When I stay all by myself, I can't sit in my chair for more than half an hour before I jump up and grab a cup of drink or some snacks and staring at TV for awhile. However, when staying at home with my honey, I just kept getting interrupted by her and myself. I couldn't help strike up a conversation most of which are under boring topics. However, when I spend my day in the office, classroom, or even a relatively noisy coffee place, my productivity is higer. I can sit there all day writing code, blog, or reading all day long. Is working from home just a fantasy to me? Or is it just pyscologically and physically impossible? Is this happening to everybody else or is it just happening to me? I've come across a report in BizWeek last year, it was the report about rental office space for personals in the States. So this might be a common problem for sohos.

Again in the same coffee place as yesterday. I've been keeping coming out to this shop during the past holidays. I come here so often that when I stepped into the door way, the shop clerk started to smile at me. Althought they smile to every customer comes into sight, that smile was different. It just felt like meeting an acquientance.
I woke up this morning, finding my teeth aching like hell. The ending part of my jaw is not doing a good job. So I spent most of the daytime resting myself and on Die Hard 4.0, seeming totally out of the pre-exam syndrone. Suddenly lost all my thoughts.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thoughts

New thoughts kept hitting me during the day. But during the night, when I'm facing with my computer, typing seems to be hard, those sparkle of ideas just fades away, vanished. I've been kept reading in a Mister Donut shop during the past several days, getting myself ready for the little roller coaster ride next Monday. Wish that call will not send me down the line. Anyway, I was having coffee bigger than the size of head, today, 6 cups of Lotte, the day before yesterday, 3 cups of expresso. That's part of the reason why I'm so fucking concious right now, in the mid of the night. Well, the other part of the reason is that I kept talking over the internet with my wife. She's been over time today, and is said to have overtime tomorrow. And her little sisiter's gonna fly to Australia tomorrow. Wish her all the best.

Nightmare flashback also finds his way to my house. I felt like freezing when I saw these flashbacks. This afternoon, it hitted me again. It felt so bad, I felt like all hopes were gone, all my efforts ended up in vain.

There are lots of insects around the place we live, I guess it's gotta be a side effect of environmental friendly. I killed several flies the other day when cooking my dinner, and tonight I killed a longhorn by stepping on it, and kick his body off the balcony from 2nd floor. The holiday is slipping away, I have 4 more days to go, while other guys only have 3.

Got visited by my replacement @ Intel over MSN, he kept asking me questions,... blah, bla, bla... Anyway wish him good luck too. Kept wishing other people, anyone wishing me for the roller coaster ride? Well, dude, take it easy, you'll gonna make it. That a piece of really damn big cake. I'll try my best not choking myself to death with it. God bless me.